Yah, I know I said I'd do the adoption blog next but I'm just not feeling it today. Went too far into detail yesterday and it put my emotions on red alert. I guess it'd be fair to say, "insert rule 5 here" again. Instead, I'm going to write about one of the Broadway musicals I cannot wait to see! I've been told that "Shrek the Musical" is coming to Tulsa, but as far as I can tell, unless they add it to the existing line up, it's not there. They do add shows, so I'm hoping that is in their plans! Anyway, a song from the show that has resonated with me is called, "Who I'd Be". It tells who Shrek would be if he got to write his own story. What he would do and what his life would have become if he were given the pen to write his own fate. Made me wonder who I'd be if I were the creator of my life's pages. Now, I know we make our own choices and in turn write our stories, but walk with me here...imagine no one telling you "NO!", no drawbacks in your dreams, nothing holding you from reaching those far off places and destinations, nothing and no one standing in your way; not even yourself...Who would you be?
"I guess I’d be a hero—with sword and armor clashing,looking semi-dashing, a shield within my grip
Or else I’d be a Viking, and live a life of daring, while smelling like a herring, upon a Viking ship
I’d sail away. I’d see the world. I’d reach the farthest reaches.
I’d feel the wind. I’d taste the salt and sea, and maybe storm some beaches.
That’s who I’d be."
Those are the opening lines to "Who I'd Be". (thank you stlyrics.com for the official lyrics) Makes me wonder where I'd go, what I'd do, and how I'd do it. If I were to stand in Shrek's shoes (do Ogres wear shoes?) how would my version of "Who I'd Be" go???
"I guess I'd be a ___ --- with ____ and ____...." what goes in my blanks? Would I want to trade the life I've been given and all the pains, downfalls, heartbreaks, joys, successes, people---good and bad---with which I've come into contact? Trade my family and friends for ones I'd meet in my Utopian situation? Would I come into contact with these people anyway? Would I be Tripp's mom still? John's wife? Ryan, Lauren, and Meghan's sister? Hmmmm.....
Looking at some of the hard times and crazy things I've dealt with in my life, writing them out sounds pretty dang good. But then I think, they're what's made me stronger today. Stronger in my faith, personality, and insecurities. They're what helps me be compassionate to others facing troubles I've seen. Even trouble(d) people I've come in contact with (or will come in contact with) shape my views. Made me see what I did and did not want to do with my life. I'm not saying every choice I've ever made is awesome---God and my parents can tell you that's not true AT ALL---but they are what made me who I am.
I tell you this, I wouldn't trade my blond haired, blue eyed angel for anything. John's ok too, lol! My family is crazy and loud and big, but I wouldn't trade one of them either. I'm starting to think maybe my life isn't so bad anyway...
By the end of the play Shrek sees that his life is perfect the way it is and that he's got everything he ever needed or wanted. You come full circle in these things, you know?! Makes you happy you have what you do, and in my case, thankful for what you don't. Dreams are good to have and having the ability to dream is awesome too. But maybe that's why they're called "dreams". It gives you something to think about and take you away from your actual life for a while and when you come back down to reality you appreciate it so much more. I'm actually really glad and thankful I'm not the official writer of my life. Thanks God, you saved me again!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Labor of Love Part 1
I'm amazed at how life changes from day to day, or even second to second. I all but forgot about this blog and then by some weird quirky hiccup on my phone stumbled back onto it. Last blog I had just ended my last cycle of fertility treatments, was on my way to loosing 60 pounds, (we won't talk about if they came back or not...insert sad face here) and was about to start the next roller coaster ride of my life called adoption. It's been 2 1/2 years since then and I'm a completely different person from then. Whew!
Back in '08 I had a different outlook on life than I do now. I thought not being able to conceive was going to be the end of not only my life but my marriage. Insecurities I realize now, but valid at least in my head back then. As a woman you're given a few things in life:
1. The job of carrying and delivering children.
2. Loving, supporting, and nurturing your children.
3. A love for shoes, new clothes, and chocolate (and maybe even a good glass of wine)
4. A week off from your "duties" as a wife for 3-7 days a month.
5. A pass to use PMS as an excuse for everything from world hunger to "I just didn't wanna do it."
I had 2-5 covered. I loved, nurtured, and supported all of my siblings and John's sisters kids as well as any of our other family or friends kids I could get my hands on. My love for shoes, clothes, chocolate and wine was unmatched. I used my pass every month that mother nature saw fit to give me time off! (and with fertility problems, there were more times than not that John was the winner of this particular given b/c mother nature was avoiding me for years at a time...SELFISH MUCH?!) However, I could still use PMS as an excuse, I am a woman ya know!
But the number one thing that women are supposed to be able to do I just could not.
It wasn't for the lack of trying mind you. We tried for 5 years before even talking to a fertility clinic. But finally with no luck decided we'd try basic stuff. Now for those of you (if anyone else ever reads this) that has tried or even looked into fertility you know as well as I do it is NOT a cheap thing. We sold our house and moved in with my in-laws while we were looking for a farm. Good thing too, b/c the monthly mortgage payments went straight to the clinic. (side note here, trying to "make" a baby while living in your in-laws house is just about as fun as it sounds...that's all I'm sayin') It makes me laugh now to think that they told us, "Relax, don't stress out about things b/c stress is going to hinder your getting pregnant." Yah, well you try not to stress about drs bills from 1 visit that are more than my paycheck! Once we got to rockin' and rollin' we were spending upwards of 1500 a week for something that "might" work. Insert rule 5 here!!! I have to say kudos to John for staying married to me during all of this. They gave me a shot that send me into menopause at 25. Menopause at 25 is like the hormones of a 16 year old...and not the ones he wishes I had...and the hot flashes of a 55 year old all rolled into one. I was PLEASANT! I honestly thought I might get fired from my job at that time b/c I was just one big ray of sunshine. It's my prerogative, get off me. ;) John had to give me shots in my stomach and I was taking Clomid for good measure, the medicine they gave me for my high levels of prolactin made me barf my guts out, I couldn't smell food without feeling nauseous, and I was gaining weight from the lack of hormones. I had all the symptoms of being pregnant without the actual child growing in my uterus. INSERT NUMBER 5 HERE!
August 2nd was the dreaded day that it all fell apart. We had taken our last cycle of shots and meds and decided if it didn't work this time we would stop and continue with our adoption plans. I sat, crying on the toilet in my in-laws bathroom wondering why I shouldn't get to invoke rule number 1 of "Women's Law" when God's plan all along occurred to me. Somewhere there was a baby that was going to need John and me as much as we needed him/her. Adoption was always in our plans, our plans just weren't in line w/ God's. And for that, I'm so, so grateful.
Next blog...
"Adoption! Get your kids without labor pains! YAH RIGHT!!!"
Back in '08 I had a different outlook on life than I do now. I thought not being able to conceive was going to be the end of not only my life but my marriage. Insecurities I realize now, but valid at least in my head back then. As a woman you're given a few things in life:
1. The job of carrying and delivering children.
2. Loving, supporting, and nurturing your children.
3. A love for shoes, new clothes, and chocolate (and maybe even a good glass of wine)
4. A week off from your "duties" as a wife for 3-7 days a month.
5. A pass to use PMS as an excuse for everything from world hunger to "I just didn't wanna do it."
I had 2-5 covered. I loved, nurtured, and supported all of my siblings and John's sisters kids as well as any of our other family or friends kids I could get my hands on. My love for shoes, clothes, chocolate and wine was unmatched. I used my pass every month that mother nature saw fit to give me time off! (and with fertility problems, there were more times than not that John was the winner of this particular given b/c mother nature was avoiding me for years at a time...SELFISH MUCH?!) However, I could still use PMS as an excuse, I am a woman ya know!
But the number one thing that women are supposed to be able to do I just could not.
It wasn't for the lack of trying mind you. We tried for 5 years before even talking to a fertility clinic. But finally with no luck decided we'd try basic stuff. Now for those of you (if anyone else ever reads this) that has tried or even looked into fertility you know as well as I do it is NOT a cheap thing. We sold our house and moved in with my in-laws while we were looking for a farm. Good thing too, b/c the monthly mortgage payments went straight to the clinic. (side note here, trying to "make" a baby while living in your in-laws house is just about as fun as it sounds...that's all I'm sayin') It makes me laugh now to think that they told us, "Relax, don't stress out about things b/c stress is going to hinder your getting pregnant." Yah, well you try not to stress about drs bills from 1 visit that are more than my paycheck! Once we got to rockin' and rollin' we were spending upwards of 1500 a week for something that "might" work. Insert rule 5 here!!! I have to say kudos to John for staying married to me during all of this. They gave me a shot that send me into menopause at 25. Menopause at 25 is like the hormones of a 16 year old...and not the ones he wishes I had...and the hot flashes of a 55 year old all rolled into one. I was PLEASANT! I honestly thought I might get fired from my job at that time b/c I was just one big ray of sunshine. It's my prerogative, get off me. ;) John had to give me shots in my stomach and I was taking Clomid for good measure, the medicine they gave me for my high levels of prolactin made me barf my guts out, I couldn't smell food without feeling nauseous, and I was gaining weight from the lack of hormones. I had all the symptoms of being pregnant without the actual child growing in my uterus. INSERT NUMBER 5 HERE!
August 2nd was the dreaded day that it all fell apart. We had taken our last cycle of shots and meds and decided if it didn't work this time we would stop and continue with our adoption plans. I sat, crying on the toilet in my in-laws bathroom wondering why I shouldn't get to invoke rule number 1 of "Women's Law" when God's plan all along occurred to me. Somewhere there was a baby that was going to need John and me as much as we needed him/her. Adoption was always in our plans, our plans just weren't in line w/ God's. And for that, I'm so, so grateful.
Next blog...
"Adoption! Get your kids without labor pains! YAH RIGHT!!!"
Monday, September 5, 2011
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