Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Labor of Love Part 1

I'm amazed at how life changes from day to day, or even second to second. I all but forgot about this blog and then by some weird quirky hiccup on my phone stumbled back onto it. Last blog I had just ended my last cycle of fertility treatments, was on my way to loosing 60 pounds, (we won't talk about if they came back or not...insert sad face here) and was about to start the next roller coaster ride of my life called adoption. It's been 2 1/2 years since then and I'm a completely different person from then. Whew!

Back in '08 I had a different outlook on life than I do now. I thought not being able to conceive was going to be the end of not only my life but my marriage. Insecurities I realize now, but valid at least in my head back then. As a woman you're given a few things in life:
1. The job of carrying and delivering children.
2. Loving, supporting, and nurturing your children.
3. A love for shoes, new clothes, and chocolate (and maybe even a good glass of wine)
4. A week off from your "duties" as a wife for 3-7 days a month.
5. A pass to use PMS as an excuse for everything from world hunger to "I just didn't wanna do it."

I had 2-5 covered. I loved, nurtured, and supported all of my siblings and John's sisters kids as well as any of our other family or friends kids I could get my hands on. My love for shoes, clothes, chocolate and wine was unmatched. I used my pass every month that mother nature saw fit to give me time off! (and with fertility problems, there were more times than not that John was the winner of this particular given b/c mother nature was avoiding me for years at a time...SELFISH MUCH?!) However, I could still use PMS as an excuse, I am a woman ya know!
But the number one thing that women are supposed to be able to do I just could not.

It wasn't for the lack of trying mind you. We tried for 5 years before even talking to a fertility clinic. But finally with no luck decided we'd try basic stuff. Now for those of you (if anyone else ever reads this) that has tried or even looked into fertility you know as well as I do it is NOT a cheap thing. We sold our house and moved in with my in-laws while we were looking for a farm. Good thing too, b/c the monthly mortgage payments went straight to the clinic. (side note here, trying to "make" a baby while living in your in-laws house is just about as fun as it sounds...that's all I'm sayin') It makes me laugh now to think that they told us, "Relax, don't stress out about things b/c stress is going to hinder your getting pregnant." Yah, well you try not to stress about drs bills from 1 visit that are more than my paycheck! Once we got to rockin' and rollin' we were spending upwards of 1500 a week for something that "might" work. Insert rule 5 here!!! I have to say kudos to John for staying married to me during all of this. They gave me a shot that send me into menopause at 25. Menopause at 25 is like the hormones of a 16 year old...and not the ones he wishes I had...and the hot flashes of a 55 year old all rolled into one. I was PLEASANT! I honestly thought I might get fired from my job at that time b/c I was just one big ray of sunshine. It's my prerogative, get off me. ;) John had to give me shots in my stomach and I was taking Clomid for good measure, the medicine they gave me for my high levels of prolactin made me barf my guts out, I couldn't smell food without feeling nauseous, and I was gaining weight from the lack of hormones. I had all the symptoms of being pregnant without the actual child growing in my uterus. INSERT NUMBER 5 HERE!

August 2nd was the dreaded day that it all fell apart. We had taken our last cycle of shots and meds and decided if it didn't work this time we would stop and continue with our adoption plans. I sat, crying on the toilet in my in-laws bathroom wondering why I shouldn't get to invoke rule number 1 of "Women's Law" when God's plan all along occurred to me. Somewhere there was a baby that was going to need John and me as much as we needed him/her. Adoption was always in our plans, our plans just weren't in line w/ God's. And for that, I'm so, so grateful.

Next blog...
"Adoption! Get your kids without labor pains! YAH RIGHT!!!"

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